UGH.............this deployment totally sucks!!!! I hardly ever hear from Vince and when I DO, it's not like we have a GOOD conversation, there's no time for it or our emails are full of other stuff.....it's starting to piss me off. I KNOW he's busy, but come ON, sit down for 5 damn minutes and email your wife and children! I don't get it...
I just realized something that I've been doing for the past several weeks...checking in at various sites (ie KMA) BEFORE I even bother checking my email to see if I have any from Vince. Does that seem odd?? Don't ya think I'd be rushing to check to see if he has emailed me at all??? I used to, but now since I hear from him so rarely, I figure what's the rush? How friggin sad is that? The way this deployment has been going for the past month is so totally different from any other deployment, even when he was in Iraq. At least when he was over there, he had a valid excuse for not emailing regularly. I don't buy into the "I'm busy" bullshit...EVERYONE is fucking busy!!!!!!!!!!!! Does he not think I'm busy with a full time job, 2 kids, a house and everything that goes along with it?!?!?! It pisses me off, but of course I feel I can't "burden" him with that...he is after all, so very busy....
29 years old...sometimes I still feel so young, sometimes I feel WAY older....and a lot of times I look at my life, and think I'm just playing house! I feel too young to have a full time career, TWO kids, car payments, mortgage...all of the "fun" stuff that goes along with being an adult. I remember when I was younger WISHING desperately that I was older...now I want to go back! :) Just back to the simplicity and innocence of being younger, the worry-free days of playing ding-dong ditch with the neighborhood kids, walking down to 7-11 for a slurpee...those were the good ol' days! Not that I'm unhappy where I am, I truly can't think of anything that my life is lacking at this point. I have a husband who loves me and who I love more everyday, 2 children who are the reason I do what I do everyday, a family who has made me who I am, a beautiful home, a job that is so completely rewarding, one in which I can genuinely say I LOVE going to work (I'd say "everyday" but that'd be pushing it!)...there's nothing missing (other than a winning lottery ticket!) So if 29 is this good....bring it on 30! :)
Is it bad to say that I feel totally disconnected from my husband right now? I don't ever remember feeling this way during a deployment before...we haven't spoken in over 2 weeks, all I get are very brief emails, and he doesn't know when he'll be able to call. It's very frustrating to say the least! I just feel so withdrawn from it all, I'm basically going through the motions right now, unable to snap out of it. I'm tense at home, tense at school, snap at the kids (biological ones and students!), not sleeping...what the hell is up with that?? It's just so odd that I'm here, doing my thing day in, day out, and I have absolutely NO idea where my husband is, what he's doing, HOW he's doing...I just miss having regular communication, at least before we had that. Now it feels like I have no connection to him at all! Maybe I'll send him this link so he can at least read what's going on with me! :)
The kids and I discovered "Photo Booth" on my laptop tonight...gotta love my Mac!!! I had NO idea there was an integrated camera in this sucker! It's going to be so much easier to email pictures to Vince now! YAY!!!!!
Whenever you are going through something in life, doesn't just about EVERY song on the radio "speak" to you? When I'm lonely and missing Vince like crazy, it seems as if every sad, sappy song was written about ME and my life...the one that I'm considering my "theme" song for right now is SheDaisy's "Come Home Soon"....friggin depressing as hell and I cry every time I listen to it. So one might wonder, if I cry when I hear it, why the hell do I listen to it over and over??? Apparently I like the constant reminder that I'm miserable and lonely! :) I guess it's just one of my many outlets for dealing with him being gone. I'm not going to post the lyrics for the entire song, but the chorus is my favorite part....
"I wonder, I pray I sleep alone, I cry alone, and it's so hard livin' here on my own... So please, come home soon...come home soon"
That's all I want, is for him to come home soon....only about 68 more days!
So have you ever "googled" an old friend or even an old significant other? I'll admit...I've done it! Kind of seems a little "stalker-ish" but I'm just curious what happened to people I was such good friends with and have lost touch with over the years. In my searching, I came across the website of the husband of one of my best friends from high school! I haven't seen her since her wedding and although we've emailed back and forth a bit over the years, it's never been anything consistent. I got an email from her this morning! WOW! I don't know if it's a coincidence or if her husband can tell who hits on his site, but it was good to hear from her! I always tell myself that I'm going to try harder to keep up with friends from high school (ok, so it's really just Paula..who am I kidding??!?!) and college (hi Amy and Michelle) :) and I never follow through. Maybe I need to set a more realistic/measurable goal...like "I will email one old friend a week" or something like that. These people were some of my best friends at critical points in my life, why should I let that go? SO, if anyone comes across this that I knew "back in the day" (yeah, right..doubt anyone has ever "googled" me! LOL) I'd love to hear from you! :)
So in searching for a picture of myself to add to this...I realized there are NO pictures of me!!!! I just scrolled through damn near 1000 pictures and only came up with this one of Vince and I from a wedding last fall!
Sad, or just one of the many "perks" of being a mom???
Well...here goes nothing! I figured it was time to join the "blogging" world, after all I do hate feeling left out! :) I doubt anyone will ever come across it or read it, but if nothing else, it's a good way for me to vent/whine/complain/ramble...and SO much easier than writing in my journal (and my hand won't hurt after writing 3 sentences!) :)
Tonight was a good time for me to start this...I haven't heard from Vince in a few days and I'm just tired, stressed, overwhelmed and tonight was one of those nights when it all hit me like a mack truck. The kids were upstairs watching a movie before bed, and I was doing the nightly clean-up routine. I guess every now and then I realize that I'm doing EVERYTHING alone and it sucks, I sat in the middle of the kitchen floor and cried...hard...I was over it pretty quickly and felt a little bit better, but I know another night just like this is just around the corner!